I Can Finally See
by icedintheveins
Summary: "A few weeks ago, some kid who made one of those 'It Gets Better' videos killed himself."  Or, five times Finn Hudson was aware of teen suicide.  A companion piece to "I Desperately Need You."


Finn never really knew much about suicide.

It was just something that he didn't think about. He had no reason too. He'd always been one of the popular guys, well-liked and on top. He loved his life – playing football, basketball, dating Quinn Fabray. It was everything he'd ever needed.

Until he joined glee club, and he got a look at real life.

He saw all the struggles the other kids went through. The kids who didn't have it all and who he and the other guys on the football blatantly harassed. The kids who had reason enough to hate their lives so badly that they would want to commit suicide.

And suddenly, it became something that came up often.

.

.

[ _one_ ]

Right before the start of sophomore year, a fifteen-year-old boy kills himself.

Not in Lima - in Cincinnati, but Finn sees the article. His mother left the newspaper open on the coffee table, and it catches his eye. It says that the boy was bullied into a serious depression, and ultimately took his life. Only a few close friends noticed him changing, but did nothing to help, and the bullies weren't stopped.

Finn swallows hard, setting the article back down.

School comes, and he throws people into Dumpsters, slushies people, and locks kids in Port-a-Potties. And he feels a little uneasy about it. He thinks about the boy in Cincinnati and about the kids at McKinley – Jacob, Artie, Kurt – any one of them could be next.

It's not easy for Finn to adjust; peer pressure is too crippling, but he tries. He won't let Azimio push Artie down the stairs, and when Puck slams Kurt into a locker, he smacks his arm, saying, "Dude – impulse control." He looks back at Kurt, giving him a nod and a wave, and then he walks on.

The days pass, and Jacob's still obnoxious and intrusive and crushing a little too much to be called normal on that girl named Rachel Berry. Artie still smiles when he's being wheeled around by that gothic, Asian girl. And Kurt is still witty and sarcastic, stepping out of the Dumpsters with his dignity intact.

And Finn's uneasiness subsides.

.

.

[ _two_ ]

The house feels empty without Kurt.

Finn sits alone in his new bedroom. He'd just gotten used to living with Kurt, sharing a bedroom and becoming familiar with Kurt's routine. And now he's on his own again. It's only been a few weeks in this new house – getting used to this new room by himself, but now without Kurt, it feels so much lonelier. Because he can't even go find Kurt down the hall. He's absolutely alone.

But what makes him feel the worst is why Kurt's gone.

Kurt's gone because of bullying, because he didn't feel safe, and God – why didn't Finn take more action? How did he not know that Kurt's bullying had gotten _this bad_ until recently? And Karofsky – he threatened to _kill _Kurt, and it just makes Finn sick to his stomach to realize he's been such an awful brother.

He's somewhat glad, though.

He's glad Kurt's gotten out of the place – gone off to the safety of Dalton and the Warblers and Blaine. And he just really hopes Kurt's happy.

Before he left, Finn could see how lifeless he was – well, actually that was Rachel. She'd had a word with Finn, warned him about Kurt's lack of interest in anything, how he hardly tried in glee club anymore, and how he seemed to be losing weight. After that, Finn had to admit she was right, and he'd started watching Kurt more closely, looking for any signs.

Finn just wouldn't be able to _stand_ if Kurt did something drastic and he hadn't been there.

It scares him to realize just how unhappy and withdrawn Kurt's been. To see that darkness in his eyes, the lines on his face, the paleness of his skin. It scares Finn to think back and remember how Kurt would come home every day, talking briefly with his father before going upstairs to his room, only coming down for dinner. It scares Finn to think about Kurt being shoved into lockers and thrown around like a ragdoll.

It scares Finn to think about what could have happened if things got any worse.

And he's just hoping now.

He's hoping that way from McKinley, and with Blaine, Kurt's going to feel better.

.

.

[ _three_ ]

Lately, Quinn scares him.

But not in the _holy shit she's losing her mind_ sort of way, but _the something is seriously wrong_ kind of way. Finn can see the darkness just under the surface, threatening to pull her under. He can feel her slipping away. She's trying to hide the mess she is under stupid rivalries and false ambitions.

But Finn doesn't know how to approach her, how to comfort her and make sure she's okay. So he holds her more tightly and kisses her softly and tells her she's beautiful, and he hopes it's enough.

.

.

[ _four_ ]

Finn sighs, setting down his textbook that he'd only been staring at, the words blurring across the page. He just can't get that picture out of his head – the kid – that bubbly kid in the "It Gets Better" video – tying a noose around his neck.

"Kurt?" asks, looking over to his brother.

Kurt looks up from homework, looking less than interested. "Yeah?"

"I'm really worried," Finn admits. "About Santana."

Kurt nods, pressing his lips together. "I think we all are."

"No, Kurt," Finn says. "I mean – I'm _really _worried."

Kurt shakes his head slightly. "Okay, Finn – I can't read your mind."

"I keep thinking about that kid," Finn sighs. "The one that made the 'It Gets Better" videos. He killed himself, and I – I'm worried that Santana might do the same."

Kurt's eyes widen for second. "No," he says. "I don't think she will," he says sternly. "I know it's hard, but I think – we won't let her, Finn. And she has Brittany – Brittany will get her through this if no one else will. I mean, Blaine and I had each other."

Finn nods, swallowing hard, and then something dawns on him. "Wait – Kurt?" He looks at his brother seriously, and lowers his voice when he asks, "Have – have you ever - ?"

Kurt bites his lip. "I've thought about it, yeah. It's crossed my mind, but I don't think I ever thought of it as a real option – one that I wanted to take."

A sick swooping goes through Finn's stomach, and he has to take a deep breath.

"Hey – " Kurt says. "Finn, I'm fine. Blaine's fine. Santana's going to be fine. We'll all make sure of it, just like you guys did for me. Don't worry so much, and just be there for her."

Finn nods again, taking a deep breath. "You're right, Kurt," he says. "And I'm - I'm really sorry I wasn't ever there for you like this."

"What are you talking about?" Kurt asks, his eyebrows creasing together. "You were there for me," he says, a grin tugging at his lips.

Finn sighs. "Not as much as I would have liked to be."

.

.

[ _five_ ]

Finn comes home to a quiet house.

He steps into the warmth, and taking off his jacket, catches sight of the blue boat shoes on the floor and the peacoat on the hanger. He grabs his bag and walks into the living room.

"Hey, is Blaine he – ?"

He stops short at the sight of Kurt crying, wiping his eyes and sniffling. His mother is seated next to him on the sofa, her hand resting on his back, and she turns, tired eyes meeting Finn's.

"He's upstairs sleeping, honey. So make sure you're quiet when you go up."

Finn drops his bag to the floor, stepping forward. "What happened?"

Kurt clears his throat sniffling again. "He – um – he had a fight with his dad, and – it was. . . _really_ bad."

"Bad how?" Finn presses, eyebrows creasing together.

Kurt sighs, turning towards Carole. "Would you mind making some tea?" he asks softly.

Carole nods, rubbing one last circle into his back. "I get it, sweetheart," she says. "It'll be ready when you are." And she stands up, retreating to the kitchen.

"What happened?" Finn repeats, taking his mother's seat.

"His dad," Kurt sighs, shaking his head. "He – he said a lot of things – and they – they really hurt Blaine. I don't exactly know the whole story; there might be more – it was hard to understand him. He came here all distraught and sobbed for a half hour before he fell asleep in my lap."

"But what's – I mean – you're really upset Kurt," Finn finally gets out. "More than you usually are when Blaine is."

"I know," Kurt says, voice going quiet and starting to shake again. "I'm really worried." He heaves a sigh, putting his face in his hand. "Finn, I – he's depressed," Kurt groans. "He's clinically depressed – on medication on everything, and – and before we met, he – he was planning to commit suicide. I still think he tried, but he's never outright told me he did." Kurt starts shaking again, and Finn knows he's crying.

Finn feels that his jaw has dropped, and his head is spinning. "Kurt – " he chokes out. "I don't know what to say."

"I'm so scared," Kurt sobs. "I've never seen him this upset, and I can't help but worry, and – " He breaks off, taking a deep breath to try and calm himself.

"God," Finn mutters, looking at the floor. "I – I had no idea. I can't believe – Blaine?"

Kurt sighs again. "I probably shouldn't have told you this. I don't think Blaine would mind, but still – don't bring it up, please?"

"I won't say anything," Finn says immediately. "And Kurt, he's going to be okay. We'll make sure of it."

Kurt nods, pressing his lips together. "I just really hope so."

Finn reaches out, resting his hand on his brother's shoulder. "I promise you – we'll help him. He will be."

Kurt smiles as honestly as he can, his tension loosening at the fondness he feels at his brother's seemingly innocence. "Thank you, Finn."

.

.

Finn's always been a little ignorant, a little oblivious, but life is something he doesn't take for granted.

Because he's seen kids willing to give up their own – if just for a little peace, a little happiness, a little less pain. He's seen how much words and actions can hurt. How those scars stay for a lifetime – long after the wound is first cut.

But he's also done his best to make sure those kids don't ever have to pick that option.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** So after that line last night, I was inspired to write this. I'm still working on another companion piece in Blaine's point of view.


End file.
